some days

some days i want to say you know what? maybe they're right.
some days i want to listen.
some days i feel ashamed of my body.
and some days i think about food as "good" and "bad"

some days i feel so fucking weak.
some days i hate myself for letting Them get to me.
(whoever "Them" is)
some days i don't want to give a fuck.
some days i want to yell and curse.
some days i look at my body and i cringe and i feel sadness.

i know i'm not the only one, but some days, i tell you. some days.

adele, fat-shaming, and other disappointments.

last week i was in a bookstore with a friend when she approached me, holding this, and said "look what they did to Adele". my first response was "i can't live in a world where Adele isn't fat", followed by a good 5 minutes of denial, until we flipped through approximately 100 pages of advertisements to find the article. at which point i realized that this was, indeed, an extremely photoshopped image of Adele.

why did i have this reaction? well, because these photos are not Adele. yes, i realize that this happens to EVERYONE who is on the cover of any mainstream magazine. that doesn't come anywhere near making it okay. to me (and, i assume, to many other people), Adele is a perfect example of an extremely talented, beautiful, successful woman who falls outside the norm, who doesn't look the way society tells us we should all look. vogue went and made Adele into what we are told we should all be - slim, with big tits and sexy, pouty lips.

what's more heart-wrenching is this video, where Adele talks about the importance of confidence and being yourself, interspersed with video footage from the shoot and photos. the juxtaposition of these things (Adele's words, her actual-size-and-shape shown in video footage, and the photos that some photoshop genius produced) cannot go unnoticed. i understand that this was a big ol' line for Adele's CV, and a big ol' pay cheque in her bank account. i also realize that she likely didn't have any control over the final edits. but the fact remains that Adele chose to work with Vogue. she chose a high-paying gig that, if she had done any critical thinking about her image and the magazine's image, she could have known would make her into something she is very much not.

the same evening i first saw this photo, as i was walking home for the night, some douchefuck standing outside of a bar called me a "fat cunt" and told me to go home and kill myself. the next day, as i was walking to a friend's birthday party, some other disappointment of a human being said, from a car stopped at a stoplight, "look at this thing. i wouldn't fuck her for ANYTHING". my direct reaction to this second person was to make eye contact and shout "THANK FUCKING GOD". now, normally this type of street harassment doesn't get to me. it provides fodder for funny stories and reminds me how important things like self respect and dignity are. but all at once like that, after seeing these vogue images, i felt so fucking burdened by messages of "you are not okay". and it fucking sucked.

i'm still processing the effect that these experiences have on me. i've also had some really disheartening conversations with fat phobic friends recently (the same day as some of the street harassment described above, actually). despite feeling good and feeling strong and knowing that what others say has no bearing on my self worth, it still affects me. it affects me profoundly when those who i call my friends, my safety, those who i think know me so well and, more importantly, those who i think respect me, continue to make fat phobic comments. over. and. over. again (and FUCK YES it still "counts" when these comments aren't directed at me personally). media and strangers can suck it, but those who i respect? family members? friends? that causes something inside me to begin to break. who's the bad guy here? the media? assholes yelling from cars? assholes who i trust, who continue to just not get it? oppressive systems? me, for not just giving up, shutting up, and laughing it off? i have no idea, but i do know that i have no control over the bad guy. i can only control my actions and in this case, that means processing by writing and cursing and maybe even a little ranting. oh, and making chili (more on emotional eating at a later date. teaser: ALL EATING IS EMOTIONAL).

food is beautiful

the chubby side of awesome

yesterday i posted this photo on facebook with the caption "this reminds me that i must always strive to be as awesome as my ~8 year old self". and it's true - this kid is pretty awesome in her dad's sunglasses, that wicked plaid/denim jacket, and a christmas dress that she was forced to wear. but after i posted this photo, i got to thinking. i thought about not only how awesome this kid is, but also all of the things i want to say to this child, who was already concerned about how "fat" she was. so i thought i'd write her a letter. write myself a letter, i guess.






dear me-as-a-child-being-awesome:

first of all, good on ya for defying your mother and putting a hat over that french braid she knotted into your hair while you squirmed and complained. it goes quite nicely with the jean jacket and sunglasses that i know you'd rather be wearing with your jeans and NY rangers jersey instead of those god-awful, too-hot tights and that itchy dress. just bear with your mom - you are her only girl and she wants so badly for you to look like her version of a "little girl" - at least on christmas and easter.

i want you to know that you don't need to cover yourself up with loose-fitting denim. your body is just fine the way it is. and when you sit in church looking at your legs in that dress and wonder how you can stop those legs from looking so fat, i want to sit beside you and tell you that you are just perfect, those legs are strong. i want to tell you that fat is not a bad word and that when you hit puberty, you will get fat. but, let's take it a step back from puberty because a lot will happen before then.

in a couple of years, your friends will change. heck, you will change, too. the boys will start to bully you the year after next and you will hate every moment of everything for a few years. the only time you will not hate yourself is when you are babysitting because the kids don't taunt, don't call you fatty, and don't seem to care how big or small you are, as long as you can make them laugh. cherish this time. know that when you go to school, you will face ugliness and hatred every day, but don't face this hatred with anger in your heart. the little boy who will be the leader of the bullies is hurting. heck, all of those kids are hurting. they are assholes, yes, douchebags of the grandest kind (don't worry - "douchebag" will be added to your vocabulary in about 10 years), but they aren't worth the number of tears you will cry over them. they won't be worth the pain that you will inflict on yourself because of them, and they won't be worth the years of terribly frumpy oversized sweaters you will wear to hide that perfect, beautiful, lovely body of yours.

if i could hug you, i would. i would tell you that it's all going to be okay. i know you don't like hearing it, but it's true - there is SO much you don't understand right now. remember that your brother, when he calls you a cow, is just being an asshole. try not to yell so much, just go into your room, put on your mariah carey tape, and tune him out. some day, he will show you that he does, indeed, respect you, even if he has a hard time showing it.

continue to use your sense of humour and your ability to make people laugh. know that even when they are laughing at you, as long as you can laugh at yourself too, it's okay. don't use your humour to keep people away from you, use it to bring them close to you, to build relationships that are built on comfort, laughter, respect, silliness, and most importantly, trust. some day, you will find people who you can laugh with in ways that you didn't even know were possible and it will make your heart happy, truly happy.

know that when your mother confronts you about your weight, she truly means well. she wants what she thinks is best for you. she will convince you to join weight watchers with her, and you will do it. this will become an important part of your history, and it will teach you a lot about your mind and body, so just play along. you have a lot to teach your mother about beauty and body love, but that will come later. just try not to get too mad at her when she makes you hate your fat.

in this moment, as a child, you have the ability to teach people about respect and laughter. it will take you a long, long time to feel good in your skin. i know that you are so very shy and that's okay. this will teach you to read people, to get a feel for people before you even open your mouth. this will serve you well in detecting the assholes of the world (and in finding the beautiful, wonderful ones, too). what you have to say is important, even if saying it is so damn hard sometimes. it's okay to be quiet, to stay inside yourself.

most of all, i just want you to know that you are beautiful. when you gain weight and then later when you lose it (and gain it back, and lose it...), know that it doesn't define you. you are so vibrant, so funny, so sweet, and so kind and you need to know that folks who don't see that? the ones who bully you? they will grow up to be unhappy adults. and you? you will find joy and love for yourself that right now doesn't even seem possible. you will find this joy and love on the chubby side of awesome.

keep your head up.

Art and Body Love

for the last three years, i have been fortunate enough to take part in a few photography projects with local artist Girl Crimson. last year the theme was "Radical Bodies", and when asked "what makes your body radical?" this is what I wrote:

"What makes my body radical? The fact that everywhere I go, everywhere I've gone, I've been told that my body is not beautiful, not normal, not okay, not the right size, not the right shape. The only time I've been told that my body was "right" was when I started going to Weight Watchers about 6 years ago to change it. There, because I was trying to make my body different, smaller, "better", I was told that I was a good person, that what I was doing was good for me and would make me more dateable, employable, normal. What they didn't tell me was that I would also be more unhappy and unhealthy than I've ever been. Sure, my body would get smaller and perhaps more "normal", but I'd be miserable, I'd hate myself, I'd hate everyone else, and I'd hate the fact that my brain and my body didn't match up. When I learned to live outside the norm, to not desire thinness and a typical definition of "beauty", I finally felt beautiful for the first time. Did people stop telling me that I was abnormal, ugly, too big, the wrong shape? No. I just stopped caring and started learning that my body, my radical body, is fine and healthy and happy and beautiful just the way it is. So maybe what makes my body radical is my attitude towards it. I'm not sure. I just know that I am happy to give out big and friendly "fuck yous" to all of the people and media images and societal norms that tell me that my body is not acceptable"

working with Girl Crimson is an experience in beauty and body love, no matter what your body looks like or what history you have with your body. she finds and creates beauty and this year she's at it again with her new project: On The Body. i HIGHLY recommend that you check this shit out:

http://girlcrimson.blogspot.com/2011/12/on-body-revolution.html

have an amazing experience, support a local artist, find, create, and share beauty. GO.

"suddenly, my body"

i've been sick, so i've been watching a lot of TED talks.

this is worth your time, i promise.

go, watch.

on gyms and weight loss

weight is a funny thing. it always astounds me that it's considered socially acceptable (and even polite) to comment on the size and a person's body. TO THEIR FACE. more specifically, it is deemed a-okay to say to someone "wow, you've lost weight! you look great!" or to ask them "have you lost weight?", or better yet, to congratulate them - "you look like you've lost a ton of weight! good for you!". why is this okay? if i put on 10 or 20 pounds (or a "ton", as the case may be), why doesn't anyone ask about that publicly (aside from my mother, bless her heart)? it seems as though this intrusion into my physical history only goes one way - if i've lost weight. and believe me, i know that people mean well and they are genuinely happy for me and blah, blah, blah, but i still don't get it. my response when someone asks if i've lost weight is usually "i don't know, i don't weigh myself". my impulse is usually to say something along the lines of "why, would that make you feel better about me?" but i'm not into alienating friends and burning bridges with well-wishers (mostly). i'm curious to know how others, regardless of body shape or size, respond to these comments, particularly folks who tend towards anti-dieting and size acceptance. what's the appropriate response?

you see, i am interested because i've been getting these comments a heck of a lot lately. i recently joined a gym. let's talk about that. i've always loved cardio, particularly high intensity. i played soccer for years, i've always cycled (when my bike isn't being stolen - don't even get met started on bike theft, we could be here all night), i'm generally an active person and always have been. i've joined a gym in the past, but at that point in my life it was a very different experience. i was not in any way comfortable with my body or my appearance. i was trying to heal emotional and psychological wounds by dieting (weight watchers, specifically) and exercise. in doing this, i didn't learn anything about living a "healthy lifestyle" or making "better choices" (the official party lines of dieters). instead, i learned how to make self-loathing look like fun and optimism. i was never entirely comfortable at the gym, i always felt like i didn't belong, i was even too damn self conscious to run on a treadmill. i wanted to (i would even have dreams about running) and i knew that i was physically able, but i was still a large person and felt that it would just be too embarrassing. i felt like everyone was already looking at me, so i needed to just do my work out and get the hell out of there (so i could go home and tally how many extra "points" i was allowed to eat now that i'd sweat for an hour). all that to say, my last experience with a gym wasn't great.

recently, however, i joined a gym again, this time with a much different perspective. i'm in a different place in my life. i'm perfectly okay with my body and its size. now that cycling season is almost over and my summer yoga pass ended, the gym is a good way to keep moving through the winter, and moving is important to me. even with this perspective, though, it took me quite some time before i was comfortable running at the gym. all of those old fears of everyone looking at me, thinking "why does she bother?" came right back and it took some time before i said fuck it and started running. i did it though, and it's really fucking awesome. as a side effect of running (and cycling pretty intensely) at the gym, however, my body is changing. new muscles are developing, and i'm sure that i've lost some weight. and that feels strange (not physically, but socially). just like i love my body when it's bigger and stronger in different ways, i love my body now that it is changing. on the other hand, i am getting asked more and more "have you lost weight?!?" like i said, i am at a loss for how to respond to this question. yes, i probably have lost weight, but who the fuck cares? how is that in any way relevant to our current interaction? unless we are getting ready to go sky diving or rock climbing or something, why do you need to know if i've lost (or gained) weight? i don't want to go directly into a ranting fatty mode when people ask me this, but i also don't want to accept congratulations based on the size and shape of my body. i don't want to accept all of the value judgments that go long with congratulations (as if i'm doing an inherently "good" thing that i, and everyone else, should want to do, and if my body changes again, which it inevitably will, and i get bigger, i am doing an inherently "bad" thing).

i feel just as proud of my physical appearance now as i did 3 months ago. and i will feel just as proud 6 months from now. i don't want attention based on the size and shape of my body. just like i don't want the negative attention of little fuckers yelling "fat dyke" from passing cars, i don't want the (apparently) positive attention of comments such as "you look great! have you lost weight?". because then i just wonder - how bad did you think i looked before? if i get bigger, will you say "you look bad! have you gained weight?" of course, i really don't mind the "you look great!" part, but why is that always tied to my size? can we just agree to not comment on the size of each others' bodies?