i'm sure i've ranted about this here before, but here it comes again.
i hate body commentary. why? because it goes hand-in-hand with fat shaming and body policing. telling me i look good because you think i've lost weight DOES NOT FEEL GOOD and it never will. period. i'm not going to rehash the reasons for this or the assumptions implied here - i've done that in another post and am too amped up and angry to go looking for it to link here.
this morning i was out for brunch with two people who are very important to me. i'm not going to say who they are, but they are permanent fixtures in my life. i have really only seen them once this summer, and that was the day i moved, so they asked to see photos from my summer. i took out my phone and gladly let them scroll through my many photos - mostly of food, my cat, friends, and various trips i've taken alone and with friends. after looking through these photos, there was one of me taken by my friend's son, who is four. the person looking at the photos said "wow, it looks like you've lost weight this summer judging by these photos, particularly this one". now, the funny thing is that the particular photo was taken about FOUR DAYS ago, so no, i have not lost weight since that photo was taken. also, what the FUCK does it matter if i've lost weight (or not) this summer?? you say you are interested to know about my life, you see hundreds of photos of me smiling, exploring, camping, swimming, traveling, laughing with friends, and your ONLY comment is "it looks like you've lost weight". not only is this hurtful for me, it makes me sad for you. the fact that you can look at all of these photos of someone you claim to REALLY care about, and all you see is body size is absolutely heart-breaking to me.
but this is what my life seems to boil down to for this person. how big or small i am and how much and what types of food i decide to put in MY body (side note - this person also called me "an oinker" because the breakfast i ordered today was quite large). it just breaks my heart. i don't know HOW to stop this body commentary. i say "i actually prefer if you don't comment on my body and i will not comment on your body, ever", but that doesn't seem to make any difference. it's like hitting my head against a brick wall of judgment and fat-shame and i am so fucking sick of it.
Sunday, September 30, 2012
Wednesday, September 19, 2012
NOLOSE 2012
so, fat camp.
for months i agonized about the decision to go. the expense, the social anxiety, the time off of work, the general oh-my-god-what-if-i-spend-all-this-money-and-it-sucks-and-everyone-hates-me. you know, the usual. eventually, i decided that i NEEDED to attend the nolose conference this year. i'm going to give a summary of my experiences here, but will definitely forget and miss things that happened, things that impacted me, etc.
GETTING THERE
leading up to the conference, i was a hot mess (see above). not only was i concerned about the practical side of getting TO the conference and finding my way from san francisco to oakland with shitty eyes and a barely working knowledge of the bay area transit system, but i was also overcome with social anxiety. i don't make friends easily. i tend to avoid people. on top of that, i have never been in a room with mostly/all queer fat folks before. hell, i don't even KNOW more than a handful of queer fat folks, and i don't have ANY queer, fat-loving folks with whom i am close. so yes, in some ways it felt like these were to be "my people", but i wasn't sure what that meant or how it would feel. i also have a deep, dark fear of summer camp and i was afraid that this conference would feel just like summer camp and by the second night i would end up calling my mom in tears, begging to come home. obviously, i was TOTALLY OPTIMISTIC.
i arrived in oakland with no trouble (unless 17 hours of travel on ZERO sleep counts as "trouble"), got a room at the econolodge, ordered the worst pizza i've ever tasted, and went to bed. that was my first day at the conference.
friday, i woke up and i could hear excitement outside my window. immediately, my heart jumped into my throat and my stomach tightened. it felt like the first day of highschool (i don't know anyone, i don't know my way around and OMG I AM FAT AND SCARED). could hear fatties greeting each other, splashing in the pool, reminiscing about the past year since the last conference, comparing kick-ass tshirts and fashionable outfits. i immediately felt like the new kid who knows no one, but i put on my brave face, got dressed, and headed out the door.
at this point, i could give a play by play of the sessions and the activities at the conference, but that would be boring and i'm not going to do that. i am going to write some highlights, mostly for my own memory, and some observations on community.
HIGHLIGHT 1: FOOD TRUCKS
oh my god food trucks. dinner the first night was a food truck party and not only was it delicious, it sort of FORCED interaction outside of sitting at a table and having a guided discussion (as the sessions had been). i need this type of forced interaction, lest i sit in my room and order terrible pizza, so this was a great experience. oh so yummy.
HIGHLIGHT 2: THE SESSIONS
so, the sessions felt a great deal like group therapy. i mean, i've never gone to group therapy, but this is what i imagine it would feel like. and i don't mean this as a negative, it just contrasts my expectations of conferences, which isn't surprising given that part of my job is attending academic conferences. at those, we don't sit in circles and tell our stories/share our feelings. there was a lot of reflection, processing, sharing, and trusting that went on in these sessions. some of which i was not prepared for. there were things that came up for me that i was sort of blindsided by, but happy for. this space was very important for me, and sharing it with so many others who have some common experiences (and some vastly different) was profound.
HIGHLIGHT 3: FATTY SWIMMING
wearing a bathing suit is SUCH A THING. for years, i wore shorts AND a full sized tshirt over my bathing suit AT ALL TIMES. then i moved to shorts and a tank top, then just shorts. this year, for the first time since childhood, i've experimented with bathing suit-only swimming (but that was while camping in the middle of nowhere with one friend). at NOLOSE, swimming is nothing. everyone is fat, everyone is looking gorgeous in their bathing suits - one piece and two pieces, and no one gives a flying fuck that you are fat AND IN A BATHING SUIT. i can't quite describe this experience of freedom after more than 20 years of fear around wearing a bathing suit in public (or, hell, even in private). it may have been the most significant thing i experienced all weekend.
COMMUNITY?
i have a hard time with this. in some ways, getting together with a bunch of people with whom you have at least one thing in common feels like a bit of a forced community. at the same time, there are so many common threads to our stories. there were so many times i heard someone sharing a part of their story and thought "holy fuck that could be me talking". i rarely have that experience and it was very overwhelming. on top of that, i am an introvert, and a hardcore one at that. it really felt like EVERYONE else at this conference was an extrovert, and although i'm sure that's not the case, i didn't come across a single person who said "me too!" when i shared this. this made the community-building/social aspect of the conference very difficult for me, not surprisingly. i really look forward to seeing where this community settles in my life and how i continue (or don't continue) to be a part of/interact with it.
for months i agonized about the decision to go. the expense, the social anxiety, the time off of work, the general oh-my-god-what-if-i-spend-all-this-money-and-it-sucks-and-everyone-hates-me. you know, the usual. eventually, i decided that i NEEDED to attend the nolose conference this year. i'm going to give a summary of my experiences here, but will definitely forget and miss things that happened, things that impacted me, etc.
GETTING THERE
leading up to the conference, i was a hot mess (see above). not only was i concerned about the practical side of getting TO the conference and finding my way from san francisco to oakland with shitty eyes and a barely working knowledge of the bay area transit system, but i was also overcome with social anxiety. i don't make friends easily. i tend to avoid people. on top of that, i have never been in a room with mostly/all queer fat folks before. hell, i don't even KNOW more than a handful of queer fat folks, and i don't have ANY queer, fat-loving folks with whom i am close. so yes, in some ways it felt like these were to be "my people", but i wasn't sure what that meant or how it would feel. i also have a deep, dark fear of summer camp and i was afraid that this conference would feel just like summer camp and by the second night i would end up calling my mom in tears, begging to come home. obviously, i was TOTALLY OPTIMISTIC.
i arrived in oakland with no trouble (unless 17 hours of travel on ZERO sleep counts as "trouble"), got a room at the econolodge, ordered the worst pizza i've ever tasted, and went to bed. that was my first day at the conference.
friday, i woke up and i could hear excitement outside my window. immediately, my heart jumped into my throat and my stomach tightened. it felt like the first day of highschool (i don't know anyone, i don't know my way around and OMG I AM FAT AND SCARED). could hear fatties greeting each other, splashing in the pool, reminiscing about the past year since the last conference, comparing kick-ass tshirts and fashionable outfits. i immediately felt like the new kid who knows no one, but i put on my brave face, got dressed, and headed out the door.
at this point, i could give a play by play of the sessions and the activities at the conference, but that would be boring and i'm not going to do that. i am going to write some highlights, mostly for my own memory, and some observations on community.
HIGHLIGHT 1: FOOD TRUCKS
oh my god food trucks. dinner the first night was a food truck party and not only was it delicious, it sort of FORCED interaction outside of sitting at a table and having a guided discussion (as the sessions had been). i need this type of forced interaction, lest i sit in my room and order terrible pizza, so this was a great experience. oh so yummy.
HIGHLIGHT 2: THE SESSIONS
so, the sessions felt a great deal like group therapy. i mean, i've never gone to group therapy, but this is what i imagine it would feel like. and i don't mean this as a negative, it just contrasts my expectations of conferences, which isn't surprising given that part of my job is attending academic conferences. at those, we don't sit in circles and tell our stories/share our feelings. there was a lot of reflection, processing, sharing, and trusting that went on in these sessions. some of which i was not prepared for. there were things that came up for me that i was sort of blindsided by, but happy for. this space was very important for me, and sharing it with so many others who have some common experiences (and some vastly different) was profound.
HIGHLIGHT 3: FATTY SWIMMING
wearing a bathing suit is SUCH A THING. for years, i wore shorts AND a full sized tshirt over my bathing suit AT ALL TIMES. then i moved to shorts and a tank top, then just shorts. this year, for the first time since childhood, i've experimented with bathing suit-only swimming (but that was while camping in the middle of nowhere with one friend). at NOLOSE, swimming is nothing. everyone is fat, everyone is looking gorgeous in their bathing suits - one piece and two pieces, and no one gives a flying fuck that you are fat AND IN A BATHING SUIT. i can't quite describe this experience of freedom after more than 20 years of fear around wearing a bathing suit in public (or, hell, even in private). it may have been the most significant thing i experienced all weekend.
COMMUNITY?
i have a hard time with this. in some ways, getting together with a bunch of people with whom you have at least one thing in common feels like a bit of a forced community. at the same time, there are so many common threads to our stories. there were so many times i heard someone sharing a part of their story and thought "holy fuck that could be me talking". i rarely have that experience and it was very overwhelming. on top of that, i am an introvert, and a hardcore one at that. it really felt like EVERYONE else at this conference was an extrovert, and although i'm sure that's not the case, i didn't come across a single person who said "me too!" when i shared this. this made the community-building/social aspect of the conference very difficult for me, not surprisingly. i really look forward to seeing where this community settles in my life and how i continue (or don't continue) to be a part of/interact with it.
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