sometimes you can't

in trying to understand some possible food sensitivities and my body's reactions, i decided at the beginning of may to go a month without sugar, gluten, and other inflammatory foods (tomatoes, etc) while increasing my intake of anti-inflammatory foods (organic berries, omega 3s, turmeric, etc). this seemed straight forward enough. i knew it wouldn't be easy - i like bread, i like ice cream, and i like beer - but i also knew it was short term and i felt committed to figuring out what was happening with my body (most notably digestions issues, stomach pain, and acne).

now, let me back up a bit and say (again) that i am firmly anti-dieting. i have a long history with dieting and it is just not a healthy approach. not for me and, i would argue, not for most. i am a strong believer in intuitive eating - eat what you want, when you want it. give your body what it needs and also what it wants when you need to. i've been through all sorts of up and down phases with restricting my food - from extreme food restriction, to obsessing over points on weight watchers. restricting my food makes me very, VERY uncomfortable. BUT (i told myself), this was not a diet (or a "lifestyle change", as the popular euphemism goes). this was necessary. this was a way to give my body what it needed and to feel good - physically and mentally. once i figured things out, i would be more able to make informed food decisions (and i would hopefully FINALLY have a clear-ish face. made it through puberty and my 20s with almost no zits. now, as i approach 30, my face is a fucking mess).  well, here's how that went....

i started on a wednesday, after spending much time reading and understanding the relationship between food - mostly gluten and sugar - and acne (and other things, but mostly acne).  i felt so good about my decision, i felt at peace, and i felt like i was finally going to feel awesome and figure out what was going on. i don't generally eat a WHOLE lot of gluten, and i am generally mindful of the sugar i take in, simply because i'm not a fan of the sugar high and resulting crash. so this should be easy, right? for the first day, it was. i got some gluten free wraps and other than that, my diet didn't really change. the second day was also fine. i felt very hungry, but i snacked all day and told myself that the hunger was just a mask for the sugar cravings.

then friday night hit. almost every friday night, i have a beer. i couldn't have my beer. i was upset, i was hungry all day long no matter how many snacks i ate. i felt irritable and restricted and EXTREMELY insecure about my body. i mentioned this month-long food trial to a friend and she referred to it as "my diet" (that actually happened twice) and i got very upset and defensive. this was NOT A DIET. but man, it sure felt like one.

on saturday, i had a wedding to attend. i had had insomnia the night before and the idea of spending an evening in a social setting was not at all appealing to me. i determined that there was no way i could attend this wedding and not have a glass of wine, so i decided just to enjoy myself and not worry too much about sugar and gluten and everything. i couldn't just NOT eat, and the menu was set, so i wasn't going to obsess over it.

after the wedding, i got sick with a cold. i was miserable, tired, hungry, and sick.  still hadn't quite made the connection with how this food restriction was affecting me psychlogically, but i knew that i just needed to do what i needed to do to get through the day with a cold that was settling in my chest. for the rest of the week, i focused on getting better more than anything else. my up and down mood was explained away by the fact that i wasn't feeling well.  eventually, though, i was able to think critically about it and realized that restricting my food intake, even just for a few days, really fucked me up. it wasn't a big deal, it SHOULDN'T be a big deal. it was a short-term situation and i was doing it for good reason. unfortunately, none of this mattered. mentally, i simply couldn't do it.

what did i learn from all of this? food is serious business. a person's history can really fuck them up. every person is different and something that is no big deal for one person, can cause serious problems for another, and that is TOTALLY OKAY. it is important to listen to my body AND my mind and make decisions that contribute to feelings of overall wellness. yeah, there are still zits on my face and yeah, that still drives me nuts. unfortunately, i am just not in a place where i can restrict my food and be okay with it. i'll take some time with it, try to understand it, and maybe make a decision about trying again in the future, but for now, it's just not an option for me. and that's just fine. i need to give body and food issues the space they deserve in my life while not giving them power over me and my decisions/experiences. this is a near-impossible balance to strike, but so, so important.

want

I WANT TO GO TO THIS.

and maybe i even want to present something. no idea what, but their presentation format seems pretty open and OMG I WANT TO GO.