i've been thinking a lot lately about dieting. (absolutely) not about going on a diet myself, but about all of the people around me who seem to be perpetually on a diet, trying to lose weight. i find it very difficult to balance my role as a supportive friend with my anti-dieting beliefs. if a friend is engaged in an endeavor about which they feel proud and passionate, who am i to point out the flaws that i see in their endeavor? at the same time, the idea of dieting as a prescription for fat folks (and non-fat folks, and everyone in between) has implications for me and makes value judgments and assumptions about the way i choose to live my life (those assumptions being: fat is bad. fat is unhealthy. you are fat, therefore, you should be trying to change this fact about yourself just like i am). in that respect, i feel that i have every right to feel and express disagreement. it's a tricky subject to approach and i still haven't figured out how to do it in a kind and supportive way that also feels good for me.
generally, when a friend is dieting, the conversation at a get-together goes something like this:
me: hey, did you try these (insert name of delicious food here)? they are really yummy.
friend: i know, they look so, so good. i'd love one, but i can't eat them
me: why? you're not feeling well? do you have an allergy?
friend: no, i'm on a diet. that food isn't on my plan (and/or) i've eaten all of the food i'm allowed to eat for today.
me: oh. uh....so what happens if you eat more food?
friend: that would be cheating. i don't want to do that after i've worked so hard not cheating all week.
me: oh. well, uh congratulations on your achievement. hey look! cheesecake! ....oh. sorry.
when someone tells me that they want to eat something but they are not allowed to (specifically if the food in question isn't even something deep-fried or full of salt, MSG, aspartame, and other shit) i have a strong negative reaction. and usually the conversation continues to the dieting friend saying something along the lines of "yeah, i haven't had (insert name of other delicious and even sometimes nutritious food here) in months". if you are hungry, you should eat. that's your body telling you it needs something. if you choose not to eat, sure, you may lose weight, you may even feel better about yourself, but that doesn't change the fact that you are denying something that your body wants. i certainly agree that we should all avoid loading up on only deep-fried snickers bars, but we're not talking about those types of extremes here.
and then when i get beyond the you-are-depriving-yourself thoughts, i go to the WHY-are-you-depriving-yourself thoughts. what is the ultimate goal here? to lose weight. to get smaller. to be healthier. to become more desirable. to fit in. to feel better. to look different. why? why not eat what you want, when you want it and learn to listen to your body and what it wants? why not think critically about the types of foods we eat, why we eat them, and what types of foods our bodies desire? i can guarantee you that if you do this, you will find yourself eating more whole, healthful foods. you will, over time, find yourself avoiding repulsive, pre-packaged, imitation foods. you will also find yourself indulging in a friday night bowl (or pint) of ice cream from time to time and you will be damn happy that you did so. your body will find its own balance and you will feel better, stronger, healthier, and happier. and guess what? you may also still be fat. and that's okay. i do know how this whole crazy cycle feels. i dieted for years and i was that person who didn't have enough points left to enjoy a piece of birthday cake at a friend's party (and if i indulged anyway, felt the feelings of guilt and shame that went along with it). i know how i felt then (even after losing 60 pounds) and i know how i feel now (after gaining some of that weight back now, years later). i can tell you without a shadow of a doubt that i am a healthier, happier, stronger, more stable person without the crazy dieting cycle in my life.
of course, i don't say all of these things in that moment at a party or in a one-on-one interaction when a friend tells me that they are not allowed to eat because they are dieting. i haven't found a way to say all of this and not sound like a mega-bitch. how does one act as a supportive friend and at the same time refuse to capitulate on firmly held beliefs?
