i really do wish that i were better at posting here. i mostly think of posting when i'm sitting at work, avoiding the things i should be doing (which is what i'm doing right now). but then i start to think and my posts become too general, too over-analyzed, so i just don't post anything.
lately, i have been feeling the lack of fat community in my life. well, this has been salient and pretty consuming since july, when i returned from nolose. when i think about that space, that time, those people, i just cry because i don't have it in my regular life and when i re-create that space in my head, my heart aches. it's so damn hard not to have folks in my daily life who GET IT. i have amazing friends and some of them are amazing allies. sometimes my friends say and do things that are so supportive, so encouraging, and i appreciate those instances so, so much. there are other times when things come up and i realize in a flash that no, they just can't get parts of it. and that's okay, we have different experiences, we are different people. it has taken years for me to allow myself to reflect on and understand things about my past, things that i am still trying to understand. not having a space to bring those thoughts and experiences is so hard. it is so isolating. i'm working on reaching out to community, while also fully engaging in my current relationships because when it comes down to it, although relationships are hard and sometimes they don't work out and when they don't work out it is so fucking hard, i am damn lucky. most of the time, on a really bad day, i have someone to turn to. and when i don't, i have books and my bed and a pretty flexible job(s).
i've also been exploring phd opportunities. my path just seems to be leading that way, and i can't ignore that. so many things seem to be coming together and leading me towards pursuing a phd. the path isn't clear - for example, there are no fat studies programs around here. but i am doing everything in my power to make a clearer path, to make space for myself, my ideas, and addressing fat oppression in academia. i have been so fortunate to find a couple of academics willing to work with me, and if things continue to go well, and if i can figure out the money end of things, this might just happen.
in the mean time, i am continuing to work a lot, continuing to have a hard time turning down work opportunities, and trying my best to take care of my body in a way that makes sense and feels good. this is quite a challenge at times. i'm working on it, though. i'm quite certain that no one reads here, so maybe i should start keeping this as a journal to myself. i've considered framing this space as letters to myself, as i've been prone to do in personal journals and writing in the past. maybe i'll start doing that.
dear katie:
just keep trying.
love,
me/you
