some days

some days i want to say you know what? maybe they're right.
some days i want to listen.
some days i feel ashamed of my body.
and some days i think about food as "good" and "bad"

some days i feel so fucking weak.
some days i hate myself for letting Them get to me.
(whoever "Them" is)
some days i don't want to give a fuck.
some days i want to yell and curse.
some days i look at my body and i cringe and i feel sadness.

i know i'm not the only one, but some days, i tell you. some days.

adele, fat-shaming, and other disappointments.

last week i was in a bookstore with a friend when she approached me, holding this, and said "look what they did to Adele". my first response was "i can't live in a world where Adele isn't fat", followed by a good 5 minutes of denial, until we flipped through approximately 100 pages of advertisements to find the article. at which point i realized that this was, indeed, an extremely photoshopped image of Adele.

why did i have this reaction? well, because these photos are not Adele. yes, i realize that this happens to EVERYONE who is on the cover of any mainstream magazine. that doesn't come anywhere near making it okay. to me (and, i assume, to many other people), Adele is a perfect example of an extremely talented, beautiful, successful woman who falls outside the norm, who doesn't look the way society tells us we should all look. vogue went and made Adele into what we are told we should all be - slim, with big tits and sexy, pouty lips.

what's more heart-wrenching is this video, where Adele talks about the importance of confidence and being yourself, interspersed with video footage from the shoot and photos. the juxtaposition of these things (Adele's words, her actual-size-and-shape shown in video footage, and the photos that some photoshop genius produced) cannot go unnoticed. i understand that this was a big ol' line for Adele's CV, and a big ol' pay cheque in her bank account. i also realize that she likely didn't have any control over the final edits. but the fact remains that Adele chose to work with Vogue. she chose a high-paying gig that, if she had done any critical thinking about her image and the magazine's image, she could have known would make her into something she is very much not.

the same evening i first saw this photo, as i was walking home for the night, some douchefuck standing outside of a bar called me a "fat cunt" and told me to go home and kill myself. the next day, as i was walking to a friend's birthday party, some other disappointment of a human being said, from a car stopped at a stoplight, "look at this thing. i wouldn't fuck her for ANYTHING". my direct reaction to this second person was to make eye contact and shout "THANK FUCKING GOD". now, normally this type of street harassment doesn't get to me. it provides fodder for funny stories and reminds me how important things like self respect and dignity are. but all at once like that, after seeing these vogue images, i felt so fucking burdened by messages of "you are not okay". and it fucking sucked.

i'm still processing the effect that these experiences have on me. i've also had some really disheartening conversations with fat phobic friends recently (the same day as some of the street harassment described above, actually). despite feeling good and feeling strong and knowing that what others say has no bearing on my self worth, it still affects me. it affects me profoundly when those who i call my friends, my safety, those who i think know me so well and, more importantly, those who i think respect me, continue to make fat phobic comments. over. and. over. again (and FUCK YES it still "counts" when these comments aren't directed at me personally). media and strangers can suck it, but those who i respect? family members? friends? that causes something inside me to begin to break. who's the bad guy here? the media? assholes yelling from cars? assholes who i trust, who continue to just not get it? oppressive systems? me, for not just giving up, shutting up, and laughing it off? i have no idea, but i do know that i have no control over the bad guy. i can only control my actions and in this case, that means processing by writing and cursing and maybe even a little ranting. oh, and making chili (more on emotional eating at a later date. teaser: ALL EATING IS EMOTIONAL).

food is beautiful

the chubby side of awesome

yesterday i posted this photo on facebook with the caption "this reminds me that i must always strive to be as awesome as my ~8 year old self". and it's true - this kid is pretty awesome in her dad's sunglasses, that wicked plaid/denim jacket, and a christmas dress that she was forced to wear. but after i posted this photo, i got to thinking. i thought about not only how awesome this kid is, but also all of the things i want to say to this child, who was already concerned about how "fat" she was. so i thought i'd write her a letter. write myself a letter, i guess.






dear me-as-a-child-being-awesome:

first of all, good on ya for defying your mother and putting a hat over that french braid she knotted into your hair while you squirmed and complained. it goes quite nicely with the jean jacket and sunglasses that i know you'd rather be wearing with your jeans and NY rangers jersey instead of those god-awful, too-hot tights and that itchy dress. just bear with your mom - you are her only girl and she wants so badly for you to look like her version of a "little girl" - at least on christmas and easter.

i want you to know that you don't need to cover yourself up with loose-fitting denim. your body is just fine the way it is. and when you sit in church looking at your legs in that dress and wonder how you can stop those legs from looking so fat, i want to sit beside you and tell you that you are just perfect, those legs are strong. i want to tell you that fat is not a bad word and that when you hit puberty, you will get fat. but, let's take it a step back from puberty because a lot will happen before then.

in a couple of years, your friends will change. heck, you will change, too. the boys will start to bully you the year after next and you will hate every moment of everything for a few years. the only time you will not hate yourself is when you are babysitting because the kids don't taunt, don't call you fatty, and don't seem to care how big or small you are, as long as you can make them laugh. cherish this time. know that when you go to school, you will face ugliness and hatred every day, but don't face this hatred with anger in your heart. the little boy who will be the leader of the bullies is hurting. heck, all of those kids are hurting. they are assholes, yes, douchebags of the grandest kind (don't worry - "douchebag" will be added to your vocabulary in about 10 years), but they aren't worth the number of tears you will cry over them. they won't be worth the pain that you will inflict on yourself because of them, and they won't be worth the years of terribly frumpy oversized sweaters you will wear to hide that perfect, beautiful, lovely body of yours.

if i could hug you, i would. i would tell you that it's all going to be okay. i know you don't like hearing it, but it's true - there is SO much you don't understand right now. remember that your brother, when he calls you a cow, is just being an asshole. try not to yell so much, just go into your room, put on your mariah carey tape, and tune him out. some day, he will show you that he does, indeed, respect you, even if he has a hard time showing it.

continue to use your sense of humour and your ability to make people laugh. know that even when they are laughing at you, as long as you can laugh at yourself too, it's okay. don't use your humour to keep people away from you, use it to bring them close to you, to build relationships that are built on comfort, laughter, respect, silliness, and most importantly, trust. some day, you will find people who you can laugh with in ways that you didn't even know were possible and it will make your heart happy, truly happy.

know that when your mother confronts you about your weight, she truly means well. she wants what she thinks is best for you. she will convince you to join weight watchers with her, and you will do it. this will become an important part of your history, and it will teach you a lot about your mind and body, so just play along. you have a lot to teach your mother about beauty and body love, but that will come later. just try not to get too mad at her when she makes you hate your fat.

in this moment, as a child, you have the ability to teach people about respect and laughter. it will take you a long, long time to feel good in your skin. i know that you are so very shy and that's okay. this will teach you to read people, to get a feel for people before you even open your mouth. this will serve you well in detecting the assholes of the world (and in finding the beautiful, wonderful ones, too). what you have to say is important, even if saying it is so damn hard sometimes. it's okay to be quiet, to stay inside yourself.

most of all, i just want you to know that you are beautiful. when you gain weight and then later when you lose it (and gain it back, and lose it...), know that it doesn't define you. you are so vibrant, so funny, so sweet, and so kind and you need to know that folks who don't see that? the ones who bully you? they will grow up to be unhappy adults. and you? you will find joy and love for yourself that right now doesn't even seem possible. you will find this joy and love on the chubby side of awesome.

keep your head up.