yesterday i posted this photo on facebook with the caption "this reminds me that i must always strive to be as awesome as my ~8 year old self". and it's true - this kid is pretty awesome in her dad's sunglasses, that wicked plaid/denim jacket, and a christmas dress that she was forced to wear. but after i posted this photo, i got to thinking. i thought about not only how awesome this kid is, but also all of the things i want to say to this child, who was already concerned about how "fat" she was. so i thought i'd write her a letter. write myself a letter, i guess.
dear me-as-a-child-being-awesome:
first of all, good on ya for defying your mother and putting a hat over that french braid she knotted into your hair while you squirmed and complained. it goes quite nicely with the jean jacket and sunglasses that i know you'd rather be wearing with your jeans and NY rangers jersey instead of those god-awful, too-hot tights and that itchy dress. just bear with your mom - you are her only girl and she wants so badly for you to look like her version of a "little girl" - at least on christmas and easter.
i want you to know that you don't need to cover yourself up with loose-fitting denim. your body is just fine the way it is. and when you sit in church looking at your legs in that dress and wonder how you can stop those legs from looking so fat, i want to sit beside you and tell you that you are just perfect, those legs are strong. i want to tell you that fat is not a bad word and that when you hit puberty, you will get fat. but, let's take it a step back from puberty because a lot will happen before then.
in a couple of years, your friends will change. heck, you will change, too. the boys will start to bully you the year after next and you will hate every moment of everything for a few years. the only time you will not hate yourself is when you are babysitting because the kids don't taunt, don't call you fatty, and don't seem to care how big or small you are, as long as you can make them laugh. cherish this time. know that when you go to school, you will face ugliness and hatred every day, but don't face this hatred with anger in your heart. the little boy who will be the leader of the bullies is hurting. heck, all of those kids are hurting. they are assholes, yes, douchebags of the grandest kind (don't worry - "douchebag" will be added to your vocabulary in about 10 years), but they aren't worth the number of tears you will cry over them. they won't be worth the pain that you will inflict on yourself because of them, and they won't be worth the years of terribly frumpy oversized sweaters you will wear to hide that perfect, beautiful, lovely body of yours.
if i could hug you, i would. i would tell you that it's all going to be okay. i know you don't like hearing it, but it's true - there is SO much you don't understand right now. remember that your brother, when he calls you a cow, is just being an asshole. try not to yell so much, just go into your room, put on your mariah carey tape, and tune him out. some day, he will show you that he does, indeed, respect you, even if he has a hard time showing it.
continue to use your sense of humour and your ability to make people laugh. know that even when they are laughing at you, as long as you can laugh at yourself too, it's okay. don't use your humour to keep people away from you, use it to bring them close to you, to build relationships that are built on comfort, laughter, respect, silliness, and most importantly, trust. some day, you will find people who you can laugh with in ways that you didn't even know were possible and it will make your heart happy, truly happy.
know that when your mother confronts you about your weight, she truly means well. she wants what she thinks is best for you. she will convince you to join weight watchers with her, and you will do it. this will become an important part of your history, and it will teach you a lot about your mind and body, so just play along. you have a lot to teach your mother about beauty and body love, but that will come later. just try not to get too mad at her when she makes you hate your fat.
in this moment, as a child, you have the ability to teach people about respect and laughter. it will take you a long, long time to feel good in your skin. i know that you are so very shy and that's okay. this will teach you to read people, to get a feel for people before you even open your mouth. this will serve you well in detecting the assholes of the world (and in finding the beautiful, wonderful ones, too). what you have to say is important, even if saying it is so damn hard sometimes. it's okay to be quiet, to stay inside yourself.
most of all, i just want you to know that you are beautiful. when you gain weight and then later when you lose it (and gain it back, and lose it...), know that it doesn't define you. you are so vibrant, so funny, so sweet, and so kind and you need to know that folks who don't see that? the ones who bully you? they will grow up to be unhappy adults. and you? you will find joy and love for yourself that right now doesn't even seem possible. you will find this joy and love on the chubby side of awesome.
keep your head up.
No comments:
Post a Comment