last week i was in a bookstore with a friend when she approached me, holding this, and said "look what they did to Adele". my first response was "i can't live in a world where Adele isn't fat", followed by a good 5 minutes of denial, until we flipped through approximately 100 pages of advertisements to find the article. at which point i realized that this was, indeed, an extremely photoshopped image of Adele.
why did i have this reaction? well, because these photos are not Adele. yes, i realize that this happens to EVERYONE who is on the cover of any mainstream magazine. that doesn't come anywhere near making it okay. to me (and, i assume, to many other people), Adele is a perfect example of an extremely talented, beautiful, successful woman who falls outside the norm, who doesn't look the way society tells us we should all look. vogue went and made Adele into what we are told we should all be - slim, with big tits and sexy, pouty lips.
what's more heart-wrenching is this video, where Adele talks about the importance of confidence and being yourself, interspersed with video footage from the shoot and photos. the juxtaposition of these things (Adele's words, her actual-size-and-shape shown in video footage, and the photos that some photoshop genius produced) cannot go unnoticed. i understand that this was a big ol' line for Adele's CV, and a big ol' pay cheque in her bank account. i also realize that she likely didn't have any control over the final edits. but the fact remains that Adele chose to work with Vogue. she chose a high-paying gig that, if she had done any critical thinking about her image and the magazine's image, she could have known would make her into something she is very much not.
the same evening i first saw this photo, as i was walking home for the night, some douchefuck standing outside of a bar called me a "fat cunt" and told me to go home and kill myself. the next day, as i was walking to a friend's birthday party, some other disappointment of a human being said, from a car stopped at a stoplight, "look at this thing. i wouldn't fuck her for ANYTHING". my direct reaction to this second person was to make eye contact and shout "THANK FUCKING GOD". now, normally this type of street harassment doesn't get to me. it provides fodder for funny stories and reminds me how important things like self respect and dignity are. but all at once like that, after seeing these vogue images, i felt so fucking burdened by messages of "you are not okay". and it fucking sucked.
i'm still processing the effect that these experiences have on me. i've also had some really disheartening conversations with fat phobic friends recently (the same day as some of the street harassment described above, actually). despite feeling good and feeling strong and knowing that what others say has no bearing on my self worth, it still affects me. it affects me profoundly when those who i call my friends, my safety, those who i think know me so well and, more importantly, those who i think respect me, continue to make fat phobic comments. over. and. over. again (and FUCK YES it still "counts" when these comments aren't directed at me personally). media and strangers can suck it, but those who i respect? family members? friends? that causes something inside me to begin to break. who's the bad guy here? the media? assholes yelling from cars? assholes who i trust, who continue to just not get it? oppressive systems? me, for not just giving up, shutting up, and laughing it off? i have no idea, but i do know that i have no control over the bad guy. i can only control my actions and in this case, that means processing by writing and cursing and maybe even a little ranting. oh, and making chili (more on emotional eating at a later date. teaser: ALL EATING IS EMOTIONAL).
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