on dresses and tailoring

a few weeks ago, i finally made my first eshakti order. i was SO happy to go online and order some new dresses from a company that carries my size and doesn't charge me extra for being fat. i got three dresses as part of a sale and used a first-time customer coupon, so all three dresses were around $100 with shipping. on monday evening, i had a knock at my door, and it was a delivery person with my dresses. i was so fucking excited, i signed for them, paid the customs charge, and ripped open the box. i pulled out the first dress and thought "hm, that looks a bit on the small side", then i pulled out the other two dresses and started to cry. there was NO way they were going to fit on my body. 

of course, i should have waited to try them on. i had company coming for dinner any minute, i was in the middle of vacuuming up cat hair, i was sweaty and hot and flustered and hadn't started making dinner. but i couldn't wait. i tried them all on in a hurry, tried to wedge myself into three dresses that were clearly too small. the material was hot and scratchy, my arms were marked with red from trying to shove them in the too-small arm holes, i almost ripped the seam on one of them trying to get it off. it was terrible. i was in tears, sweaty, and upset. 

see, trying on clothes is always a crap shoot. generally, though, i am really good at looking at something on a hanger and knowing if it will go on my body. if not, i don't bother. and even when i do try things on that don't fit, it doesn't matter, i'm just there to try it, if it doesn't fit, i just put it back or grab a bigger size (which normally they don't have - i am about an 18, so i can *sometimes* shop in stores that go up to a size 18, but their largest size is usually too small and there's no going up from there). for some reason, though, having these dresses in my home, trying them on in my room where i get dressed every day - dressed in clothes that i searched out and tried on and know fit on my body - and having them not even almost fit? it fucked me up. i've been thinking about it for days and this is what i've come up with for reasons why:

1) i was just disappointed. i was excited about these new dresses - i NEVER find dresses that fit me in stores - and then they just didn't fit. i was SO looking forward to wearing one to work the next day, after being home from work for days, sick with terrible allergies. i rarely get to explore my femme-y side because dresses never fit me properly and i have little patience for shopping.

2) it reminded me of all those years i spent forcing myself into clothes that just didn't fit. particularly my high school uniforms, which i had no control over (my parents bought them and they were expensive, so i couldn't get new things as my body changed. i was also too afraid to communicate or even find out my actual size, so nothing ever fit). every day i had to wear either pants or a kilt that were so tight they ripped into my waist and left hot, red marks that are now scars. it's been many years since then, many years of becoming okay with my size and not denying when my body changes or when i need a bigger size. for so many years i had no idea what size i was and NOTHING fit - the uniform i wore all day was always too small and the clothes i wore in my off time were way too big.

3) i was just hot and rushed and anxious about having people over. even though they were close friends, having people in my home just ignites social anxiety and i can't always control it.

so then i turned to solving this problem. sending the dresses back isn't really an option. as a canadian customer, it's just too expensive. i contacted a local tailor. she is a fat woman herself who works out of her home and lives close by. she seems really nice and was recommended to me by another fat queer activist in the community. setting up an appointment with her, though, triggered the same fuckedupedness as before. i realized yesterday that i have been weighed and measured too fucking often in my life, usually against my will. paying someone to measure me feels wrong. i KNOW rationally that she is a safe person, she is there to find a way to make these clothes feel good on my body. she is an ally. she is friendly. but something about setting up an appointment to be measured is fucking with my head. i've never worked with a seamstress/tailor/dressmaker before. it should be an exciting experience, but i am absolutely dreading it. 

my appointment is friday morning. here's hoping i can force myself to actually go to the appointment. i really want these dresses fixed so i can wear them, and i SHOULD be looking forward to meeting with someone who has the skills to make that happen. now i just need to get over my own shit and make it a positive experience.