weight is a funny thing. it always astounds me that it's considered socially acceptable (and even polite) to comment on the size and a person's body. TO THEIR FACE. more specifically, it is deemed a-okay to say to someone "wow, you've lost weight! you look great!" or to ask them "have you lost weight?", or better yet, to congratulate them - "you look like you've lost a ton of weight! good for you!". why is this okay? if i put on 10 or 20 pounds (or a "ton", as the case may be), why doesn't anyone ask about that publicly (aside from my mother, bless her heart)? it seems as though this intrusion into my physical history only goes one way - if i've lost weight. and believe me, i know that people mean well and they are genuinely happy for me and blah, blah, blah, but i still don't get it. my response when someone asks if i've lost weight is usually "i don't know, i don't weigh myself". my impulse is usually to say something along the lines of "why, would that make you feel better about me?" but i'm not into alienating friends and burning bridges with well-wishers (mostly). i'm curious to know how others, regardless of body shape or size, respond to these comments, particularly folks who tend towards anti-dieting and size acceptance. what's the appropriate response?
you see, i am interested because i've been getting these comments a heck of a lot lately. i recently joined a gym. let's talk about that. i've always loved cardio, particularly high intensity. i played soccer for years, i've always cycled (when my bike isn't being stolen - don't even get met started on bike theft, we could be here all night), i'm generally an active person and always have been. i've joined a gym in the past, but at that point in my life it was a very different experience. i was not in any way comfortable with my body or my appearance. i was trying to heal emotional and psychological wounds by dieting (weight watchers, specifically) and exercise. in doing this, i didn't learn anything about living a "healthy lifestyle" or making "better choices" (the official party lines of dieters). instead, i learned how to make self-loathing look like fun and optimism. i was never entirely comfortable at the gym, i always felt like i didn't belong, i was even too damn self conscious to run on a treadmill. i wanted to (i would even have dreams about running) and i knew that i was physically able, but i was still a large person and felt that it would just be too embarrassing. i felt like everyone was already looking at me, so i needed to just do my work out and get the hell out of there (so i could go home and tally how many extra "points" i was allowed to eat now that i'd sweat for an hour). all that to say, my last experience with a gym wasn't great.
recently, however, i joined a gym again, this time with a much different perspective. i'm in a different place in my life. i'm perfectly okay with my body and its size. now that cycling season is almost over and my summer yoga pass ended, the gym is a good way to keep moving through the winter, and moving is important to me. even with this perspective, though, it took me quite some time before i was comfortable running at the gym. all of those old fears of everyone looking at me, thinking "why does she bother?" came right back and it took some time before i said fuck it and started running. i did it though, and it's really fucking awesome. as a side effect of running (and cycling pretty intensely) at the gym, however, my body is changing. new muscles are developing, and i'm sure that i've lost some weight. and that feels strange (not physically, but socially). just like i love my body when it's bigger and stronger in different ways, i love my body now that it is changing. on the other hand, i am getting asked more and more "have you lost weight?!?" like i said, i am at a loss for how to respond to this question. yes, i probably have lost weight, but who the fuck cares? how is that in any way relevant to our current interaction? unless we are getting ready to go sky diving or rock climbing or something, why do you need to know if i've lost (or gained) weight? i don't want to go directly into a ranting fatty mode when people ask me this, but i also don't want to accept congratulations based on the size and shape of my body. i don't want to accept all of the value judgments that go long with congratulations (as if i'm doing an inherently "good" thing that i, and everyone else, should want to do, and if my body changes again, which it inevitably will, and i get bigger, i am doing an inherently "bad" thing).
i feel just as proud of my physical appearance now as i did 3 months ago. and i will feel just as proud 6 months from now. i don't want attention based on the size and shape of my body. just like i don't want the negative attention of little fuckers yelling "fat dyke" from passing cars, i don't want the (apparently) positive attention of comments such as "you look great! have you lost weight?". because then i just wonder - how bad did you think i looked before? if i get bigger, will you say "you look bad! have you gained weight?" of course, i really don't mind the "you look great!" part, but why is that always tied to my size? can we just agree to not comment on the size of each others' bodies?
